This series explores the reality of religious trauma through stories from believers and former believers. It is informed by science but focus on practical steps for recognition of trauma and healing. Specific patient details are fictionalized. The experiences of trauma are not.
A 19-year-old, we’ll call him Asur, was a member of a local Southern church, the kind that infiltrates abandoned strip malls. He was surrounded, so he thought, by a church family that loved and supported each other. Several months ago, he spoke to his closest friends and decided that he was going to come out to his family and then to his church family. While the pastor occasionally mentioned homosexuality as a sin, he also framed it as something that was not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and emphasized that God’s love is greater than any of us could imagine. Asur’s immediate family was very accepting and responded in a genuinely supportive manner.
His church family on the other hand reacted in a way that contributed to his seeking help for his mental health. While he was expecting to be reassured that he was still loved by God and the church, the immediate reaction of his church family ranged from concern to anger. They referred to his revelation to them as his ‘terrible secret’ and some accused him of ‘intentionally misrepresenting’ himself up until then. Two of his friends that had promised support, likely influenced by the greater church body, stopped sitting with him at church and stopped hanging out with him outside of church. Within days, his pastor called him while he was at work. Despite his anxiety, Asur took the call. His pastor was ‘concerned’ and ‘wanted to help.’ Asur asked what ‘help’ the pastor was offering, the pastor seemed surprised and stated that he wanted to help him realize that this was a ‘phase’ and that it was a sign that the Devil was keeping him from his ‘natural’ drives. He told Asur that continuation down this road would ruin his relationship with God and likely ruin his life. Asur tried to explain that homosexuality did not feel like something unnatural to him and that his understanding of God was that he should be able to love whoever he wanted and God would know his heart was pure. The pastor immediately shot back that purity of heart was not possible under the circumstances. The call ended awkwardly.
Since this conversation three months ago, homosexuality became the focus of many services at his church. Given that this is a small evangelical church of around 80 people, everyone has learned that Asur is the target of these services, and he has begun to feel more uncomfortable week to week. By the time I saw him, he was emotionally devastated. He felt lost and confused, experiencing symptoms of depression, insomnia, and hopelessness. He explained that his faith was very important to him, and he felt very conflicted. He wanted to believe that there was nothing wrong with his being gay, but at the same time, he was deeply affected by the words coming from his pastor and friends. He felt guilty for his attraction to other males and shame for any thoughts of a sexual nature. He wished he had never told anyone the truth.
Christianity has had centuries of perfecting its methods of indoctrination. The foundational message is that everyone is born evil, not for anything we did, but because of the Original Sin of Adam and Eve (this alone is hugely morally problematic, but for another time). The only way to escape the eternal tormenting punishment for this sin is to receive ‘Salvation.’ In today’s world, once you receive salvation, you are then supposed to join a church and start helping support it, financially and otherwise.
In order to spread the message and ensure people recognize their need for Salvation, Christianity manufactures and then emphasizes feelings of guilt and shame. One of the most successful methods they have to generate these feelings is to target human sexuality—ordinary human sexuality. This casts the widest possible net, as all humans experience sexual desire to some degree, so renaming sexual desire ‘lust,’ and further implicating masturbation, homosexuality, and premarital sex, paints just about everyone with the tainted brush of sin. This is the pathologization of biology. Imagine being told that your eye color was sinful, or your particular height, or any other naturally occurring genetic variant that describes you. Furthermore, the idea that the choice of who we love can somehow be immoral is a complete absurdity. Despite countless other identified sins in the Bible—killing, stealing, sins related to clothing, food, interactions between family members—modern Christianity has latched onto homosexuality as an evil in its own special category, ignoring biology, in the process, and spreading fear and hatred at a time that we need unity more than ever.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. Even if there were no underlying explanatory biology--which there is--there would still be absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. The only evil related to this topic is that so much of the Christian community continues to encourage bigotry in its effort to manipulate the minds and behavior of Christians, and to support politicians that use hate to win votes, uncaring of the destruction that occurs in the process.
If you are struggling with mental health related to religious trauma, feel free to privately message me. I will do what I can to help and connect you to resources.